I'm such a god-damned idiot. I had a square of coffee cake yesterday and that has screwed up all my efforts. I don't even understand why I did it because it wasn't a binge I just did it without thinking I guess. But now it has cost me. I'm going to try fasting for today and Wednesday. What's funny is Travis says I'm beautiful, yet at the same time will kind of needle me if I eat so I have to feel bad no matter what I'm eating. He doesn't see it as such and instead thinks he's doing me a favor by reminding me what I ate during the entire day. That just makes me feel worse, not grateful because as he says he's looking out for my well-being.

I'm pumped to get my negative cal. diet book in the mail, in the coming weeks. Been doing good, but its' hard to tell because I can't see any difference yet. Made myself drink down a couple of glasses of water before going to bed last night. Three glasses of water so far and a mug of green tea. For breakfast I had sm. portion of egg whites, and then later I had a plain salad. That's it for today. That good? No fruit as of yet, but the day is still  young. I can't wait until my stomach is flat, I'd be so much happier.

I am thinking about having my boyfriend drive us to the beach or other nearby places where we can take a long walk. He doesn't do much so that in a way discourages me from particpating in any exercise. It goes without saying that I need to have some kind of exercise in my life, but I guess I never did because I've never been all that motivated over the idea. If I can get up my courage I might go for a membership at a nearby gym, its just I feel weird being on display. Yesterday went well as far as my eating is concerned. I had egg whites for breakfast, a clementine for lunch and a salad for dinner. I had plenty of water and three mugs of green tea. Haven't had any breakfast today, had in total three mugs of tea, been bad at drinking water though and have only had one so far. I had a cup of yogurt, a few crackers, a small piece of sweet potato. Someone told me that its better to have small snacks every 3 hours than to restrict to barely anything- something about my metabolism. I don't know if this is correct or not.

I've been doing good lately. But even when I'm doing good I beat myself up thinking that I can do better and just thinking about how fat I am. These thoughts as you can imagine always bring me down. Yesterday I had about 8 glasses of water. For breakfast I had a clementine, for lunch a sm. salad no dressing or croutons. Went on a road trip down to Boston and back, but I was good because in the past that's just another excuse for me to binge. Instead I had a clementine and a mug of green tea with splenda and soy milk. For dinner I had another salad. Was that bad? I didn't eat enough to be full, and it was only fruit or veg but I still felt guilty. I'm driving down to Boston today too, so hope everything goes better than last night. I had a small portion of plain egg whites from a carton, and 5 glasses of water so far. Also, I had a mug of green tea, same way as the other day. I had intended to at most have a clementine for dinner yesterday, but when we got to the resturant I felt dizzy and sick and couldn't concentrate so I gave in and had a salad- but it was basically just leaves in a bowl.

It's discouraging to wake up and have to see my fat each day. No matter how hard I work its still there and I hate that. I wish that losing weight could be an instant thing.  I am only planning on having an orange for the entire day.

Breakfast: none

Water- one glass

My boyfriend's mother did food shop yesterday, and there was so much stuff that I could have easily stuffed my face with. I've been good at controlling my urges. When I'm not really doing anything, it's easy to give into temptation. But I try to tell myself that its just a momentary want and I will hate myself for being so weak once I give in and eat normally. Will post my real CW and track my weight as I loose each pound once I have a scale at my hands. .. again.

Breakfast: clementine

Lunch: a banana

DInner: smoothie

Water- about 7 glasses

I feel better than I did yesterday, I don't know what was up with me. Well, I don't really have any friends besides my boyfriend and I don't have anything going for me, and I stopped taking my Welbutrin medication months ago and have taken a hiatus from therapy since highschool. My stomach was growling so bad yesterday but I remained strong and only had some fruit during the course of the day and tons of water and I think that was it. I saw a commercial for this thing called Mega- T, wonder if it actually works with weight loss. Need to go shopping in the coming days, for fruit and other such things so I don't sucumb to my hunger and eat something I'll later end up regretting.

Around 4:30 today Travis came home and brought with him junk food. I was doing good the past two days. For breakfast I had a banana, and two glasses of water. Later I had a small cup of plain corn and a few more glasses of water. But then he had to bring me junk food for a late lunch and he was watching and bought it for me so I couldn't refuse. When this happened to me in the past, I would say to hell with it and bninge and then purge. I can't do that because that will just be two steps back. So that means I will just have to work harder than ever before. I will also have to make a note to tell my boyfriend that I will be eating better, and hopefully he won't catch on.

This morning got off to a bad start, I woke up late and because its the weekend, I was greeted with the sound of the tv. Today has just been one of those days that I haven't felt like doing anything. But then again what is there for me to be happy about? I have to work on my homework, which I can't do right now because the loud tv is too distracting. There's no where for me to go, since I don't have a license/ car and I could stand around in the backyard but its still kind of chilly. And this is the same as any other day, which makes it worse.

Valentines was alright, nothing really special. I had to work from 11-7pm and then my boyfriend Travis picked me up. Oh I can't forget about the accident that I almost got in, and it would've been all my fault. Travis was letting me drive home, and I thought he told me to go, and we were at the turnoff to our road. But he was just telling me what I should do when its time for me to. I pulled out, and then stopped because he shouted 'what are you doing?' and then he was yelling to just go so I had to gun the car because from our right we could see traffic was coming close. It happened all in a split second. But it both shook me up and made me never want to drive again. If it's possible I think I'm getting increasingly worse at driving. When we got home I cried a bit and when I calmed down I had a banana and a few glasses of water. For my first day yesterday I don't think that I did too bad. Travis and I sat and watched most of the movie Holiday. Is it too much to ask for a little romance in my own life? I don't know why he doesn't go out of his way to be sweet. He made a card and that was it. It's not like I want him to buy me anything, I just want to feel appreciated.

Day one has been successful. I had some fruit this morning and drank water constantly all day. I had a few raisins and that was about it. I need to do this right this time, because I have nothing else in my life to which I can say I do right. The only things I do best are what others would call destructive behavior. In my eyes I'm always a failure. And that's basically my existance, never striving to be better,  just settling. Twenty years old and I already have regrets a mile long of how I wish my life had played out so far. I guess as depressing as it is to stay the same- not holding any talents or hobbies, sleeping through life takes no effort at all and so therefore easier to accomplish. Sure I want change, I want my life to be turned upside down like a snow globe and shaken a bit.

I have had eating problems on and off a good portion of my life. It didn't help that my mother told me that I was fat as far back as elementary school, so I never developed a positive self image.  Before highschool I would just kind of binge eat, and it wasn't until highschool that I started restricting and purging. My father heard me purging late one night and that was the end of that. I'm glad that I no longer live at home (to which I haven't done since I was 18- and now I am almost 21) because it was a bad environment to grow up in. I can't hide anything from my boyfriend, as compared to my family who didn't know and when they did they didn't want to acknowledge what was happening to me. This being said, it's been a while since I have restricted. Feeling disgusting, letting myself go. As of right now I don't know my CW because my scale is hidden due to my boyfriend. I can take a guess that its probably around 135-140. Ideally I would like to go down to 120 maybe even 115. I'm just so sick of how I look and I know that I won't be able to feel better about myself until I like the way I look.